Well I fall subject to this every time I go to the store with my wife, whether it be Macy's or Target or whatever. She always wants to buy this latest makeup product that's revolutionizing the makeup industry.
Or not.
I understand that basic need for your foundation or base or whatever and mascara, blah blah blah. It gets ridiculous when we start talking about excess things here, people. Example: a shiny golden gloss that goes over your skin after you put on your face wash and your mask that removes dirt from pores and supposedly forms your face to makes you look like Blake Lively or something.
Worse example: There is this little machine the size of a tic tac box that has a round metal circle on it that you apply to your zit or blemish of sorts. You push a button and it dings a fancy ding and leave it on there for 2 minutes or so and it supposedly removes the zit from your face somehow. I sucked up some pride and bought this little gadget for the Mrs. and oh my did I regret that. Not only did it not work, not only did she throw the packaging so we couldn't return it, not only is it shelved and hasn't been touched for months, it cost me 40 buckaroos plus tax.
Yikes.
So, in conclusion. Waste of money. Don't buy into this extra crap that's obviously a scam and stealing all the money from the men that are buying it for their womens. Spend that money elsewhere, like a charity donation. Or a big screen tv, Oooooh yeah!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Scrubway
Okay, so I am really tired of seeing Jared Fogle on my TV screen. He should not be on commercials anymore.
I don't care that he dropped 230 pounds or 26 waist sizes.
In fact, I liked him better when he was fat, or for lack of a better term, chubbsie. He looked jolly and super friendly, now he just looks like a narcissistic jerk! I hope he's donating to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig (Is that still around) or something, because he's probably making boo koo buck.
Everyone knows he didn't just eat Subway for 3 years or whatever, 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. I know that little fatty snuck in some McDonalds pies in there somewhere, or a Blizzard from DQ. Oh man, those are delicious treats. Plus those pies at Mickey D's are only like 2 for $1 or something? Fantastic deal. I also like the Hot Fudge Sundaes they offer as well, those are delicious and priced amazingly. Nothing really tops a Blizzard from DQ. Like a Snickers Blizzard or Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard? And if someone else says they love Cookie Dough Blizzards, they are crazy and I will lash out and punch a window. That cookie dough tastes like sandy little sugar balls that were the crappy part of the cookie dough, ya know? The part that was crusted over on the side of the bowl with leftover egg and some unknown crunchies. Disgusting.
ANYWAYS.
Jared is crazy, and needs to be stopped. Subway is delicious, I'll give them that. HOWEVER, Jared is done. He doesn't make me want to eat Subway anymore.
Now here's a great idea for Subway. Have Jared go on a year long fattening mission, by eating McDonalds and Burger King and Wendys and KFC etc. Like a Super Size Me 2.0.
Then, have him lose the weight again. Then, he will be like a Sandwich Superhero. Call him the Submarine Supreme. Awww yeeeeah.
Also, as shown by South Park, we all know that Jared had aids to help him lose weight.
Oh... what? He had AIDES? Oh. Okay. Right. Good for him..
I don't care that he dropped 230 pounds or 26 waist sizes.
In fact, I liked him better when he was fat, or for lack of a better term, chubbsie. He looked jolly and super friendly, now he just looks like a narcissistic jerk! I hope he's donating to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig (Is that still around) or something, because he's probably making boo koo buck.
Everyone knows he didn't just eat Subway for 3 years or whatever, 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. I know that little fatty snuck in some McDonalds pies in there somewhere, or a Blizzard from DQ. Oh man, those are delicious treats. Plus those pies at Mickey D's are only like 2 for $1 or something? Fantastic deal. I also like the Hot Fudge Sundaes they offer as well, those are delicious and priced amazingly. Nothing really tops a Blizzard from DQ. Like a Snickers Blizzard or Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard? And if someone else says they love Cookie Dough Blizzards, they are crazy and I will lash out and punch a window. That cookie dough tastes like sandy little sugar balls that were the crappy part of the cookie dough, ya know? The part that was crusted over on the side of the bowl with leftover egg and some unknown crunchies. Disgusting.
ANYWAYS.
Jared is crazy, and needs to be stopped. Subway is delicious, I'll give them that. HOWEVER, Jared is done. He doesn't make me want to eat Subway anymore.
Now here's a great idea for Subway. Have Jared go on a year long fattening mission, by eating McDonalds and Burger King and Wendys and KFC etc. Like a Super Size Me 2.0.
Then, have him lose the weight again. Then, he will be like a Sandwich Superhero. Call him the Submarine Supreme. Awww yeeeeah.
Also, as shown by South Park, we all know that Jared had aids to help him lose weight.
Oh... what? He had AIDES? Oh. Okay. Right. Good for him..
Monday, August 9, 2010
Speculate This!
Dude, I'm getting tired of sports speculation.
ITS NOT REAL NEWS.
Yes Marv, we shipped you over to Minnesota to talk to head coach Brad Childress on how he feels about his quarterback situation. Will Brett Favre be back?
WHO. CAAAAAAAAARES.
This is getting worse and worse in sports. They're ruining the surprise in everything! We don't even get to guess who the number one or two or three top draft picks are going to be because everything is already known and told to us!
And why are these "sources" so trusted??
Last time I checked your stupid sources fail quite often there, ESPN.
You said Favre was going to retire. He said otherwise.
You said Texas, Oklahoma, among other teams were all going to the PAC-10.
You said LeBron James was going to sign with the Knicks or stay with the Cavs. I think we all know what happened with that.
Why can't you let us little sport fans be and find out things that happen when they actually happen, not like forecasting the weather. This is going to turn into something like a Meteorologist predicting the weather for Christmas time when its April.
Stop speculating and doing it so much ahead of time. You're ruining it for me!
And your sources are wrong and so ignorant when doing their "investigating."
Real cool there, David Caruso.
ITS NOT REAL NEWS.
Yes Marv, we shipped you over to Minnesota to talk to head coach Brad Childress on how he feels about his quarterback situation. Will Brett Favre be back?
WHO. CAAAAAAAAARES.
This is getting worse and worse in sports. They're ruining the surprise in everything! We don't even get to guess who the number one or two or three top draft picks are going to be because everything is already known and told to us!
And why are these "sources" so trusted??
Last time I checked your stupid sources fail quite often there, ESPN.
You said Favre was going to retire. He said otherwise.
You said Texas, Oklahoma, among other teams were all going to the PAC-10.
You said LeBron James was going to sign with the Knicks or stay with the Cavs. I think we all know what happened with that.
Why can't you let us little sport fans be and find out things that happen when they actually happen, not like forecasting the weather. This is going to turn into something like a Meteorologist predicting the weather for Christmas time when its April.
Stop speculating and doing it so much ahead of time. You're ruining it for me!
And your sources are wrong and so ignorant when doing their "investigating."
Real cool there, David Caruso.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
So Predictable
Why are crime shows so predictable? Why, I would love to know.
There is no hook, that I haven't seen before, no catch, no twist, nothing.
These are the blandest shows in the world.
And they could not be any more predictable! Here, here, I'll set up a quick premise.
Beginning of the show: A criminal committing a crime, most likely murder.
Beginning of the middle of the show: They get a tiny, stupid "clue."
Middle of the show: They meet the killer, but they don't know its them yet... OOOoooh, what a twist. Also, they use some high-tech piece of technology that doesn't even exist in real life. Oh real cool using this hologram thingy that can detect if this two year old corpse had ingested cabbage and bologna to clarify that the killer was either African-American (don't get all offended peeps) or see the shape and wear on his coccyx that would declare that he's a trucker. Wow, I'm really impressed you stupid fake fakey McFakerson, who lives on Fake Street.
Yeah, that's the meat of the show. SUPER amazing. (That was sarcasm by the way)
Anyways, end of the middle: They'll somehow magically find out who the killer is a get them back for questioning and to get a confession.
End: The detectives will use "reverse psychology" to get the criminal to confess. And the killer ALWAYS confesses! This is what drives me the most crazy. "I was only trying to get their attention!" "I didn't want her to marry my dad. I had to stop her somehow!" or "He left me. He can't leave me. We're eternal."
Blah, blah, blah. Seen it all before. Why are there even different crime shows? They're all the same any way. Notice how there's just different themes, but the story is the same??
Yeah, clever.
All is supposedly well in the make believe, amazing advanced technology, super awesome we get the crime solved in an hour and get a confession at the 50 minute mark on the show detectives!
I hate you.
There is no hook, that I haven't seen before, no catch, no twist, nothing.
These are the blandest shows in the world.
And they could not be any more predictable! Here, here, I'll set up a quick premise.
Beginning of the show: A criminal committing a crime, most likely murder.
Beginning of the middle of the show: They get a tiny, stupid "clue."
Middle of the show: They meet the killer, but they don't know its them yet... OOOoooh, what a twist. Also, they use some high-tech piece of technology that doesn't even exist in real life. Oh real cool using this hologram thingy that can detect if this two year old corpse had ingested cabbage and bologna to clarify that the killer was either African-American (don't get all offended peeps) or see the shape and wear on his coccyx that would declare that he's a trucker. Wow, I'm really impressed you stupid fake fakey McFakerson, who lives on Fake Street.
Yeah, that's the meat of the show. SUPER amazing. (That was sarcasm by the way)
Anyways, end of the middle: They'll somehow magically find out who the killer is a get them back for questioning and to get a confession.
End: The detectives will use "reverse psychology" to get the criminal to confess. And the killer ALWAYS confesses! This is what drives me the most crazy. "I was only trying to get their attention!" "I didn't want her to marry my dad. I had to stop her somehow!" or "He left me. He can't leave me. We're eternal."
Blah, blah, blah. Seen it all before. Why are there even different crime shows? They're all the same any way. Notice how there's just different themes, but the story is the same??
Yeah, clever.
All is supposedly well in the make believe, amazing advanced technology, super awesome we get the crime solved in an hour and get a confession at the 50 minute mark on the show detectives!
I hate you.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Muffled Response
Why these days are D-bags so insistent on being even more lame than they already are?
I thought the whole idea of really loud, crappy sounding cars was a thing of the past? No?
That wasn't so ten years ago? We're still doing this? Really?
Fine.
Well the other day I had a little run-in with one of these fellas. Yes, he was a fella.
He was driving ahead of me in his early 90's Honda Civic, no joke, spray painted black, busted out rear window and driver-side window.
So at the stoplight, I pulled in front of him (because I was on my scooter, mind you.)
Light turns green, and I take of in front of him. Then, I hear this loud cat-getting-its-toenails-removed-by-way-of-a-jackhammer noise mixed with an elephant and T-Rex from Jurassic Park scream. It was so loud, but didn't even sound good.
This is the start of our "altercation." As Douche Bag Dane says, "It was on."
He speeds in front of me and we hit another read light. So I pull in front of him again because I can and of course, because I'm cool like thizzat. (Rap for "that")
And now I'm like ten cars in front of him, and I don't know how he does it, but he makes his way to right behind me and is literally 2 feet behind me. He swerves into the right lane almost clipping me, so I swerved to the left, almost crossing the yellow line into the other lanes of traffic. Then he speeds up and cuts me off! And rifles off that wretched noise and speeds away.
Moral to the story? If you don't want to be a total Douche-ski, don't have an annoying loud car.
Buy a muffler, fart face!
I thought the whole idea of really loud, crappy sounding cars was a thing of the past? No?
That wasn't so ten years ago? We're still doing this? Really?
Fine.
Well the other day I had a little run-in with one of these fellas. Yes, he was a fella.
He was driving ahead of me in his early 90's Honda Civic, no joke, spray painted black, busted out rear window and driver-side window.
So at the stoplight, I pulled in front of him (because I was on my scooter, mind you.)
Light turns green, and I take of in front of him. Then, I hear this loud cat-getting-its-toenails-removed-by-way-of-a-jackhammer noise mixed with an elephant and T-Rex from Jurassic Park scream. It was so loud, but didn't even sound good.
This is the start of our "altercation." As Douche Bag Dane says, "It was on."
He speeds in front of me and we hit another read light. So I pull in front of him again because I can and of course, because I'm cool like thizzat. (Rap for "that")
And now I'm like ten cars in front of him, and I don't know how he does it, but he makes his way to right behind me and is literally 2 feet behind me. He swerves into the right lane almost clipping me, so I swerved to the left, almost crossing the yellow line into the other lanes of traffic. Then he speeds up and cuts me off! And rifles off that wretched noise and speeds away.
Moral to the story? If you don't want to be a total Douche-ski, don't have an annoying loud car.
Buy a muffler, fart face!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
8 Minutes of Wasted Life
Okay, so every time I watch a music video, I feel that that is time I will never get back. I never feel better about watching them.
Just recently I was subject to watching the music video called "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga.
Oh.
My.
Goodness.
What was the point to that?
There was no Hispanic lover boy. No Alejandro. No Fernando. No Charlie Bato. No Jorge. Not anything.
Just some random like World War II Nazi-Powderpuff-Alien-Bug-Albino people that liked to sexually assault people on mental patient/hospital beds.
This video is more than 8 minutes long, and i will never get this time back. This is very depressing here people.
What happened to the good ol' music videos? Well, I guess, has there been any good music videos?
I think that music videos are relatively pointless, except for generating revenue. All the artist has to do in a music video is just film themselves singing their song for the 43,582 time at their concert! Or just throw together a low budget "movie" that doesn't even pertain to the topic of the song.
In the 90's rap/hip-hop videos, we'd see some rich black dudes with some ho's.
Now there isn't any ho's anymore!
Where da ho's at!?
Backing away from the semi-racist comments, I miss those music videos! Because at least those guys knew what they wanted and what they wanted in a music video.
Money, boats and ho's.
Boats and ho's, boats and ho's. Gotta get me my boats and ho's.
Adieu.
Just recently I was subject to watching the music video called "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga.
Oh.
My.
Goodness.
What was the point to that?
There was no Hispanic lover boy. No Alejandro. No Fernando. No Charlie Bato. No Jorge. Not anything.
Just some random like World War II Nazi-Powderpuff-Alien-Bug-Albino people that liked to sexually assault people on mental patient/hospital beds.
This video is more than 8 minutes long, and i will never get this time back. This is very depressing here people.
What happened to the good ol' music videos? Well, I guess, has there been any good music videos?
I think that music videos are relatively pointless, except for generating revenue. All the artist has to do in a music video is just film themselves singing their song for the 43,582 time at their concert! Or just throw together a low budget "movie" that doesn't even pertain to the topic of the song.
In the 90's rap/hip-hop videos, we'd see some rich black dudes with some ho's.
Now there isn't any ho's anymore!
Where da ho's at!?
Backing away from the semi-racist comments, I miss those music videos! Because at least those guys knew what they wanted and what they wanted in a music video.
Money, boats and ho's.
Boats and ho's, boats and ho's. Gotta get me my boats and ho's.
Adieu.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Fast Food Phenomena
Why does it take so freaking long to get your food at a fast food place?
Is it really that difficult?
Be honest here. Is it?
You take the four things that are on my list, punch them into the little computer in front of you the has EVERYTHING mapped and written out for you, that the only people in the world that does not understand this simple display of buttons are babies and illiterates. After you punch them in accurately, take my money and give me my change, if any. Then, I'll do the rest. My life is seemingly more difficult than yours! And you make it worse by existing. UGH!
I'll do a replay of an everyday event someone goes through at the drive-thru:
(Pull up to speaker/way-too-big menu)
Wait 2 minutes and 17 seconds.
Static on the speaker, finally. "Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"No thank you. One second please." (1 minute and 23 seconds later) "Okay, I'm ready. I'll have the number 5 with no onions and a root beer."
(46 second pause)
"Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"What? No! I said I want a number 5."
"Oh, okay, so a number 6?"
"NO! Number 5. No onions. Root beer."
"Okay"
(14 second delay)
"Um, hello? I'm not done ordering."
"Okay, what you want?"
"A cheeseburger kids meal with a toy for a boy."
"Okay, two kids meals without pickles. Got it."
"NO!!! Number 5. No onions. Root beer. Cheeseburger kids meal. Boy's toy."
(Finally the idiot gets the order right so you pull ahead to window #1)
WINDOW #1 CLOSED. Fantastic. You're pointless anyway.
(At Window #2)
From weak-English lady, "Hi yo' total it isss 8 dollar and 23."
"Thank you??"
(Pull ahead to window #3)
"Here ya go, want any ketchup?"
"Yes, just a few."
"Here's a thousand!"
You look back at your kid and even he's shaking his head like wtf...
(If you make the mistake of not checking the bag of its contents)
Arriving home, you look in the bag seeing that they only gave you one straw and shorted you your kid's happy meal french fry and gave him a pretty pink Hello Kitty key chain.
Don't even drive back, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. Breathe. Breathe. It's not worth it. I'm above this. I'm better than this. Breathe. Just... Breathe.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get a degree, stupids!
Is it really that difficult?
Be honest here. Is it?
You take the four things that are on my list, punch them into the little computer in front of you the has EVERYTHING mapped and written out for you, that the only people in the world that does not understand this simple display of buttons are babies and illiterates. After you punch them in accurately, take my money and give me my change, if any. Then, I'll do the rest. My life is seemingly more difficult than yours! And you make it worse by existing. UGH!
I'll do a replay of an everyday event someone goes through at the drive-thru:
(Pull up to speaker/way-too-big menu)
Wait 2 minutes and 17 seconds.
Static on the speaker, finally. "Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"No thank you. One second please." (1 minute and 23 seconds later) "Okay, I'm ready. I'll have the number 5 with no onions and a root beer."
(46 second pause)
"Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"What? No! I said I want a number 5."
"Oh, okay, so a number 6?"
"NO! Number 5. No onions. Root beer."
"Okay"
(14 second delay)
"Um, hello? I'm not done ordering."
"Okay, what you want?"
"A cheeseburger kids meal with a toy for a boy."
"Okay, two kids meals without pickles. Got it."
"NO!!! Number 5. No onions. Root beer. Cheeseburger kids meal. Boy's toy."
(Finally the idiot gets the order right so you pull ahead to window #1)
WINDOW #1 CLOSED. Fantastic. You're pointless anyway.
(At Window #2)
From weak-English lady, "Hi yo' total it isss 8 dollar and 23."
"Thank you??"
(Pull ahead to window #3)
"Here ya go, want any ketchup?"
"Yes, just a few."
"Here's a thousand!"
You look back at your kid and even he's shaking his head like wtf...
(If you make the mistake of not checking the bag of its contents)
Arriving home, you look in the bag seeing that they only gave you one straw and shorted you your kid's happy meal french fry and gave him a pretty pink Hello Kitty key chain.
Don't even drive back, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. Breathe. Breathe. It's not worth it. I'm above this. I'm better than this. Breathe. Just... Breathe.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get a degree, stupids!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Hey, we're number 1!!!
No, you're not.
Okay, maybe you are. But its majorly skewed.
Why do these television production companies, namely CBS, say they have the number 1 show, number 1 comedy, number 1 drama, number 1 network?
YOU DON'T!!
The numbers say you do, but you and I know what's really going on here. I know. I can see right through you CBS.
Do you know why these numbers say that you have the number 1 everything? Because everyone who owns a TV, by default, has CBS.
Even the Eskimos up in freaky-deaky Alaska or the prisoners out in Guantanamo have this stupid network.
Any network that can have literally the same shows in different cities are complete nincompoops. Period
Example: CSI (Las Vegas), CSI: Miami!!!, CSI: New York!!!
Another Example: NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, baby!
And, AND! If your number 1 comedy is Two and a half men? Oh boy... This is sad. Charlie Sheen you are not the funniest man in America because your network gives you distorted figures.
Oh, how's about another example? You the WORST and MOST FAKE reality game show in the world titled Survivor. It wouldn't be as bad, but you have an indoor twin called Big Brother.
CBS, who are you kidding saying that these shows are different? They are not. They have the same premise, same rules, same everything. Probably filmed on the same set.
Maybe they're geniuses or just lucky. Or maybe just to give themselves false hope that people actually like their shows. When in reality their shows are watched by people escaping their terrible lives.
You SUCK.
Liars.
Okay, maybe you are. But its majorly skewed.
Why do these television production companies, namely CBS, say they have the number 1 show, number 1 comedy, number 1 drama, number 1 network?
YOU DON'T!!
The numbers say you do, but you and I know what's really going on here. I know. I can see right through you CBS.
Do you know why these numbers say that you have the number 1 everything? Because everyone who owns a TV, by default, has CBS.
Even the Eskimos up in freaky-deaky Alaska or the prisoners out in Guantanamo have this stupid network.
Any network that can have literally the same shows in different cities are complete nincompoops. Period
Example: CSI (Las Vegas), CSI: Miami!!!, CSI: New York!!!
Another Example: NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, baby!
And, AND! If your number 1 comedy is Two and a half men? Oh boy... This is sad. Charlie Sheen you are not the funniest man in America because your network gives you distorted figures.
Oh, how's about another example? You the WORST and MOST FAKE reality game show in the world titled Survivor. It wouldn't be as bad, but you have an indoor twin called Big Brother.
CBS, who are you kidding saying that these shows are different? They are not. They have the same premise, same rules, same everything. Probably filmed on the same set.
Maybe they're geniuses or just lucky. Or maybe just to give themselves false hope that people actually like their shows. When in reality their shows are watched by people escaping their terrible lives.
You SUCK.
Liars.
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Prequel to many Sequels
This is a story of a little boy that every time I see him or hear him it makes me want to pluck every hair off my body, including my nose, one-by-one or makes me want to rip out my eyes and fingers and toes and ears and any other removable part on my body.
His name:
Justin Bieber.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate you Justin!!!
Who are you!?
Why are you so famous!?!
Usher, what were you thinking!? You greedy jerk-head.
Okay, I've calmed down a little bit. Back to reality. Justin Bieber, right. What is the big deal with this kid. I don't even see the little 12 year old girl appeal to him.
First off, his sound. He sounds like a little 13 year old girl. When is the voice change gonna take place there J-Bags?
Second, what's up with the obsession with the hair. Okay, pretty sure he's not the first person to have a stupid little emo-cut. Let's calmer down now people.
Third, what are you doing acting like a little thug-nugget. Last time I checked you're a skinny little dweeb of a white guy. You don't need to be wearing saggy pants and high-tops and a flat-billed hat cocked to the side.
Fourth, why when you're on stage you're tugging on your "tinkle-dinkle" area, like you're freaking Eminem, or Marshall Mathers, or Slim Shady. What's that guy's name anyway?
Okay, there will be many more Justin Bieber blogs to come after this, so I better stop while I'm ahead on this little baby-faced, Alvin the Chipmunk sounding, makeup wearing fella.
His name:
Justin Bieber.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate you Justin!!!
Who are you!?
Why are you so famous!?!
Usher, what were you thinking!? You greedy jerk-head.
Okay, I've calmed down a little bit. Back to reality. Justin Bieber, right. What is the big deal with this kid. I don't even see the little 12 year old girl appeal to him.
First off, his sound. He sounds like a little 13 year old girl. When is the voice change gonna take place there J-Bags?
Second, what's up with the obsession with the hair. Okay, pretty sure he's not the first person to have a stupid little emo-cut. Let's calmer down now people.
Third, what are you doing acting like a little thug-nugget. Last time I checked you're a skinny little dweeb of a white guy. You don't need to be wearing saggy pants and high-tops and a flat-billed hat cocked to the side.
Fourth, why when you're on stage you're tugging on your "tinkle-dinkle" area, like you're freaking Eminem, or Marshall Mathers, or Slim Shady. What's that guy's name anyway?
Okay, there will be many more Justin Bieber blogs to come after this, so I better stop while I'm ahead on this little baby-faced, Alvin the Chipmunk sounding, makeup wearing fella.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Spoofs are for Goofs
All right, all right. This is enough!
Spoof movies, you've seen your better days, I do believe.
Its been a long time since the golden days of Hot Shots! or Spaceballs or Airplane!, or even Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
Oh the good days...
Now we're "blessed" with spoofs and parodies such as Epic Movie or Disaster Movie.
Disaster Movie, were you serious? Like 100% for real here? Its ironic your title is Disaster Movie, because that movie was literally a disaster. Just awful.
I just threw up a little bit.
The only thing worse than a bad parody, is a repeated bad parody. I.e. Scary Movie.
Scary Movie 1, you were funny. Scary Movie 2, you were all right. Scary Movie 3? Uh... Okay, on the decline. Scary Movie 4. Holy crap, what is this garbage? Now we're getting a Scary Movie 5!? Oh my gosh, kill me.
These movies wouldn't be so bad if they wouldn't get away from the main idea so much. Like in Disaster Movie (SURPRISE), what was up with the satanic Alvin and the Chipmunks thing? Pretty sure that's not an action movie, but whatever.
Mel Brooks, you had it right. David Zucker, you used to have it right. Airplane! was amazing. Scary Movie 4, not so much.
I hate you spoof movies, you stupid poopoo heads.
Spoof movies, you've seen your better days, I do believe.
Its been a long time since the golden days of Hot Shots! or Spaceballs or Airplane!, or even Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
Oh the good days...
Now we're "blessed" with spoofs and parodies such as Epic Movie or Disaster Movie.
Disaster Movie, were you serious? Like 100% for real here? Its ironic your title is Disaster Movie, because that movie was literally a disaster. Just awful.
I just threw up a little bit.
The only thing worse than a bad parody, is a repeated bad parody. I.e. Scary Movie.
Scary Movie 1, you were funny. Scary Movie 2, you were all right. Scary Movie 3? Uh... Okay, on the decline. Scary Movie 4. Holy crap, what is this garbage? Now we're getting a Scary Movie 5!? Oh my gosh, kill me.
These movies wouldn't be so bad if they wouldn't get away from the main idea so much. Like in Disaster Movie (SURPRISE), what was up with the satanic Alvin and the Chipmunks thing? Pretty sure that's not an action movie, but whatever.
Mel Brooks, you had it right. David Zucker, you used to have it right. Airplane! was amazing. Scary Movie 4, not so much.
I hate you spoof movies, you stupid poopoo heads.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
What an Annoyance
Today standing in line to get some food, I experienced the number 4 pet peeve on my, we'll say, extended list of things that I hate.
While standing in line, I hear a tune of sorts coming from a few people back.
I then turn around and see a person jamming out to a song on their cell phone.
UGH!!!
If only there were an invention that would confine all this noise into someones own ears...
Oh wait.
Headphones. Oh my gosh they invented these things to put over your ears so no one else has to hear your crappy music.
How's about you use this useful new invention and stop douching up the food line so I can focus on my own thoughts or conversations with my fellow comrades. You are the jerk that is walking around Target blasting your stupid emo-screamo death metal monkey music that .05% of America actually might enjoy that us other 99.95% hates or strongly dislikes. You are the tool that is walking through the park annoying all the cute little families with your stupid annoying gangster rap music that your cousin made because he thinks he's going to be the next Busta Rhymes or Dr. Dre.
Get outta here ya douche bag.
Sorry, this one really grinded my gears.
While standing in line, I hear a tune of sorts coming from a few people back.
I then turn around and see a person jamming out to a song on their cell phone.
UGH!!!
If only there were an invention that would confine all this noise into someones own ears...
Oh wait.
Headphones. Oh my gosh they invented these things to put over your ears so no one else has to hear your crappy music.
How's about you use this useful new invention and stop douching up the food line so I can focus on my own thoughts or conversations with my fellow comrades. You are the jerk that is walking around Target blasting your stupid emo-screamo death metal monkey music that .05% of America actually might enjoy that us other 99.95% hates or strongly dislikes. You are the tool that is walking through the park annoying all the cute little families with your stupid annoying gangster rap music that your cousin made because he thinks he's going to be the next Busta Rhymes or Dr. Dre.
Get outta here ya douche bag.
Sorry, this one really grinded my gears.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Back in the Saddle
Fresh off of my vacation, I would now like to delve into a new matter of interest.
I am sick and tired of the fact that men love bacon.
Okay, I am a man.
And I LOVE me some bacon, all right?
BUT! I am not in love with bacon, okay?
There was an absolutely disgusting commercial I saw this last week that made me sick. There was a group of girls and one of them had a new bacon taco or whatever in her purse. And that was a way she'd pick up dudes.
Um, sick.
If I found out a girl I just met is smuggling BACON tacos in her purse, I would:
A. Puke
B. Run away
C. Puke again
D. Slap myself in the face
E. All of the above
If I even as much smelled bacon wafting from my date, that would be it. Gross. I'm telling you I don't love bacon this much.
And this coming from a guy that could eat bacon every morning for the rest of his life.
You're sick and twisted ladies.
I am sick and tired of the fact that men love bacon.
Okay, I am a man.
And I LOVE me some bacon, all right?
BUT! I am not in love with bacon, okay?
There was an absolutely disgusting commercial I saw this last week that made me sick. There was a group of girls and one of them had a new bacon taco or whatever in her purse. And that was a way she'd pick up dudes.
Um, sick.
If I found out a girl I just met is smuggling BACON tacos in her purse, I would:
A. Puke
B. Run away
C. Puke again
D. Slap myself in the face
E. All of the above
If I even as much smelled bacon wafting from my date, that would be it. Gross. I'm telling you I don't love bacon this much.
And this coming from a guy that could eat bacon every morning for the rest of his life.
You're sick and twisted ladies.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
May the Best Man Win.
What happened to this "historical" phrase? As of late, it's all about pessimism and just trying not to sink as low as the other guy.
Not too long ago, we could flip on the TV during the summer and see some political ad campaigns, and see a candidate saying how good he would be and what "good things" he'd do if he made it into office. No prob. I like that.
NOW,
We'll see two candidates doing everything except physically decapitating or murdering each other.
Wait, what?
Example:
Candidate X (X): Why don't you want Candidate Y (Y) in office? BECAUSE! He supported abortion, or he opposed prop 8, or he used tax payers money to buy things for his house or go on holiday with his family to Cozumel, etc etc etc.
First of all, we should know they take our money and get a car or a new gold-plated hot tub or that rare, overly-priced Monet or Picasso. Whatever, who cares.
HOWEVER.
Why are these negative subjects needed? Are you that terrible of a person that you can't toot your own horn, and say what you do well. They just have to say what Y does worst. Have a little confidence, ya turd!
I even saw an ad where X said Y was too Democratic! HA! Um...
SO!?
I mean that can't always be a good thing if someone is an extremist in that sense, but come on. Really? Too Democratic? That's all you got?
You suck, let's see some positives, eh?
Not too long ago, we could flip on the TV during the summer and see some political ad campaigns, and see a candidate saying how good he would be and what "good things" he'd do if he made it into office. No prob. I like that.
NOW,
We'll see two candidates doing everything except physically decapitating or murdering each other.
Wait, what?
Example:
Candidate X (X): Why don't you want Candidate Y (Y) in office? BECAUSE! He supported abortion, or he opposed prop 8, or he used tax payers money to buy things for his house or go on holiday with his family to Cozumel, etc etc etc.
First of all, we should know they take our money and get a car or a new gold-plated hot tub or that rare, overly-priced Monet or Picasso. Whatever, who cares.
HOWEVER.
Why are these negative subjects needed? Are you that terrible of a person that you can't toot your own horn, and say what you do well. They just have to say what Y does worst. Have a little confidence, ya turd!
I even saw an ad where X said Y was too Democratic! HA! Um...
SO!?
I mean that can't always be a good thing if someone is an extremist in that sense, but come on. Really? Too Democratic? That's all you got?
You suck, let's see some positives, eh?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Gorgeous Day
So, today is a beautiful day outside. What could possibly make it terrible in any sort of way?
Two words, when combined, make one of the worst, most disgusting phrases since cavemen invented fire:
Long Lines.
(ShuDdER)
Not, just checking out in your normal visit to Target or the convenience store. NO. But everywhere.
To sit down at a restaurant
Waiting 3-4 rotations of red lights just to make it through this one light!
Being on hold!!! Even from a business that has 7 clients TOTAL!
Can we have ways of better fluidity as a society, please!? Is this too much to ask? Oh, boy.
You know what makes these lines worse, though?
What I like to call "rubber-neckers" or "line shufflers"
We all know what rubber-neckers are. The ones who are all over the line looking at magazines or chewing gum, thinking, "I wonder if I'm in the mood for Insane Strawberry, or Wacky Watermelon..." or whatnot, and completely unaware of the line they chose to partake of.
Line shufflers really pluck my nose hair. These are the ones that say, "Oh crap, I forgot mustard, or my kitty litter for Mr. Fluffles!" Then, they feel it's ok to quick run and get it, and to mark their spot, they leave their 7 year old chubby son, who has a name like Melvin or Bobby Jr., who already devoured his king size Butterfinger, even on his left eyebrow! Left eyebrow! How do you get food up there!? OR to EXPECT their spot back in line after returning from their late-minded pickup. I hate you line shufflers. Go away.
Soapbox,
stepping down.
Two words, when combined, make one of the worst, most disgusting phrases since cavemen invented fire:
Long Lines.
(ShuDdER)
Not, just checking out in your normal visit to Target or the convenience store. NO. But everywhere.
To sit down at a restaurant
Waiting 3-4 rotations of red lights just to make it through this one light!
Being on hold!!! Even from a business that has 7 clients TOTAL!
Can we have ways of better fluidity as a society, please!? Is this too much to ask? Oh, boy.
You know what makes these lines worse, though?
What I like to call "rubber-neckers" or "line shufflers"
We all know what rubber-neckers are. The ones who are all over the line looking at magazines or chewing gum, thinking, "I wonder if I'm in the mood for Insane Strawberry, or Wacky Watermelon..." or whatnot, and completely unaware of the line they chose to partake of.
Line shufflers really pluck my nose hair. These are the ones that say, "Oh crap, I forgot mustard, or my kitty litter for Mr. Fluffles!" Then, they feel it's ok to quick run and get it, and to mark their spot, they leave their 7 year old chubby son, who has a name like Melvin or Bobby Jr., who already devoured his king size Butterfinger, even on his left eyebrow! Left eyebrow! How do you get food up there!? OR to EXPECT their spot back in line after returning from their late-minded pickup. I hate you line shufflers. Go away.
Soapbox,
stepping down.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Replay
How's about this? I was going to make this my Friday post, but I absolutely had to skip it ahead to today. Why is replay not more implemented in sports!?
Poor Armando Galarraga.
Poor Detroit Tigers.
Neither have had such a pitching performance in their histories. And what happened. Blown call that couldn't be reversed by replay.
Thank you Jim Joyce.
Could be the worst call since we started filming sports.
The only positive that could come out of this is a big one, however. We see time after time in sports, referees and umps alike, making bad/poor calls.
They're human. They make mistakes. Why can't we accept a little humility and bring replay more into sports? This is pathetic trying to "preserve" sports integrity by not adding such technology and "help" to teams. That's complete baloney/bologna (whichever makes you happier) because sports have evolved so much even in the past 15 years. We need to evolve our referring and judging of these games.
This is what is infuriating me today.
Poor Armando Galarraga.
Poor Detroit Tigers.
Neither have had such a pitching performance in their histories. And what happened. Blown call that couldn't be reversed by replay.
Thank you Jim Joyce.
Could be the worst call since we started filming sports.
The only positive that could come out of this is a big one, however. We see time after time in sports, referees and umps alike, making bad/poor calls.
They're human. They make mistakes. Why can't we accept a little humility and bring replay more into sports? This is pathetic trying to "preserve" sports integrity by not adding such technology and "help" to teams. That's complete baloney/bologna (whichever makes you happier) because sports have evolved so much even in the past 15 years. We need to evolve our referring and judging of these games.
This is what is infuriating me today.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Encore! Encore!
I will again address the hot topic of NBA playoffs.
Drum roll...
Acting in the NBA.
These guys need to be up for some serious Oscar or Golden Globe nominations. This is getting ridiculous, eh? How in the world can a 170 pound little dude totally knock over a 280 pound beast? I guess I should be giving these guys credit for being able to sway the refs opinion, but is it getting to be a little over the top?
Every game I watch I see some little man coming running down the lane and run into a brick wall, but somehow that wall falls down.
Or, we have the ever growing case of someone in the post backing up into the defender or pivoting around. Then, an elbow comes flying or a shoulder bumps into them, then the defender flops over or goes flying backwards. It's like, come on. I'm sure it didn't feel good, but isn't that a bit dramatic?
This might be the tie-in on why they are paid so much. They are actors/athletes! A new breed!
An Actlete! No... Athtors! No, we'll still with Actlete.
Didn't they implement a rule against "flopping"? Good to see they're standing strong on their "rules".
So this is what I am Sick and Tired of today.
Drum roll...
Acting in the NBA.
These guys need to be up for some serious Oscar or Golden Globe nominations. This is getting ridiculous, eh? How in the world can a 170 pound little dude totally knock over a 280 pound beast? I guess I should be giving these guys credit for being able to sway the refs opinion, but is it getting to be a little over the top?
Every game I watch I see some little man coming running down the lane and run into a brick wall, but somehow that wall falls down.
Or, we have the ever growing case of someone in the post backing up into the defender or pivoting around. Then, an elbow comes flying or a shoulder bumps into them, then the defender flops over or goes flying backwards. It's like, come on. I'm sure it didn't feel good, but isn't that a bit dramatic?
This might be the tie-in on why they are paid so much. They are actors/athletes! A new breed!
An Actlete! No... Athtors! No, we'll still with Actlete.
Didn't they implement a rule against "flopping"? Good to see they're standing strong on their "rules".
So this is what I am Sick and Tired of today.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Off with a bang
All right, I'm going to start this thing off with a bang. A little one, mind you, just to get my wheels rolling. As we are in the midst of these NBA Playoffs, I subject myself to watching them. Now, today what I am sick and tired of are these NBA players getting an average of over 5 million dollars per year, in the 2008 season. Now, I'm sure that's risen.
To get back to my point, I cannot stand to watch these guys get paid so much money and all they do is complain! Have you seen it this year?? It's getting worse and worse! You can't touch a guy without them running to the refs and crying to them OR rolling on the ground like they've never been in such pain before in their lives, but 1 minute later stand up and run around like,
"Oh, I just got hurt? Right, right. Ooooh oww. My arm."
I think you get paid too much to be treated like a baby by the refs, step up and earn your 5 mil a year, and work for it. Since that won't happen, email me your address and I'll mail you a box of tissues. That's what I'm sick and tired of today. Peace.
To get back to my point, I cannot stand to watch these guys get paid so much money and all they do is complain! Have you seen it this year?? It's getting worse and worse! You can't touch a guy without them running to the refs and crying to them OR rolling on the ground like they've never been in such pain before in their lives, but 1 minute later stand up and run around like,
"Oh, I just got hurt? Right, right. Ooooh oww. My arm."
I think you get paid too much to be treated like a baby by the refs, step up and earn your 5 mil a year, and work for it. Since that won't happen, email me your address and I'll mail you a box of tissues. That's what I'm sick and tired of today. Peace.
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