Why are crime shows so predictable? Why, I would love to know.
There is no hook, that I haven't seen before, no catch, no twist, nothing.
These are the blandest shows in the world.
And they could not be any more predictable! Here, here, I'll set up a quick premise.
Beginning of the show: A criminal committing a crime, most likely murder.
Beginning of the middle of the show: They get a tiny, stupid "clue."
Middle of the show: They meet the killer, but they don't know its them yet... OOOoooh, what a twist. Also, they use some high-tech piece of technology that doesn't even exist in real life. Oh real cool using this hologram thingy that can detect if this two year old corpse had ingested cabbage and bologna to clarify that the killer was either African-American (don't get all offended peeps) or see the shape and wear on his coccyx that would declare that he's a trucker. Wow, I'm really impressed you stupid fake fakey McFakerson, who lives on Fake Street.
Yeah, that's the meat of the show. SUPER amazing. (That was sarcasm by the way)
Anyways, end of the middle: They'll somehow magically find out who the killer is a get them back for questioning and to get a confession.
End: The detectives will use "reverse psychology" to get the criminal to confess. And the killer ALWAYS confesses! This is what drives me the most crazy. "I was only trying to get their attention!" "I didn't want her to marry my dad. I had to stop her somehow!" or "He left me. He can't leave me. We're eternal."
Blah, blah, blah. Seen it all before. Why are there even different crime shows? They're all the same any way. Notice how there's just different themes, but the story is the same??
Yeah, clever.
All is supposedly well in the make believe, amazing advanced technology, super awesome we get the crime solved in an hour and get a confession at the 50 minute mark on the show detectives!
I hate you.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Muffled Response
Why these days are D-bags so insistent on being even more lame than they already are?
I thought the whole idea of really loud, crappy sounding cars was a thing of the past? No?
That wasn't so ten years ago? We're still doing this? Really?
Fine.
Well the other day I had a little run-in with one of these fellas. Yes, he was a fella.
He was driving ahead of me in his early 90's Honda Civic, no joke, spray painted black, busted out rear window and driver-side window.
So at the stoplight, I pulled in front of him (because I was on my scooter, mind you.)
Light turns green, and I take of in front of him. Then, I hear this loud cat-getting-its-toenails-removed-by-way-of-a-jackhammer noise mixed with an elephant and T-Rex from Jurassic Park scream. It was so loud, but didn't even sound good.
This is the start of our "altercation." As Douche Bag Dane says, "It was on."
He speeds in front of me and we hit another read light. So I pull in front of him again because I can and of course, because I'm cool like thizzat. (Rap for "that")
And now I'm like ten cars in front of him, and I don't know how he does it, but he makes his way to right behind me and is literally 2 feet behind me. He swerves into the right lane almost clipping me, so I swerved to the left, almost crossing the yellow line into the other lanes of traffic. Then he speeds up and cuts me off! And rifles off that wretched noise and speeds away.
Moral to the story? If you don't want to be a total Douche-ski, don't have an annoying loud car.
Buy a muffler, fart face!
I thought the whole idea of really loud, crappy sounding cars was a thing of the past? No?
That wasn't so ten years ago? We're still doing this? Really?
Fine.
Well the other day I had a little run-in with one of these fellas. Yes, he was a fella.
He was driving ahead of me in his early 90's Honda Civic, no joke, spray painted black, busted out rear window and driver-side window.
So at the stoplight, I pulled in front of him (because I was on my scooter, mind you.)
Light turns green, and I take of in front of him. Then, I hear this loud cat-getting-its-toenails-removed-by-way-of-a-jackhammer noise mixed with an elephant and T-Rex from Jurassic Park scream. It was so loud, but didn't even sound good.
This is the start of our "altercation." As Douche Bag Dane says, "It was on."
He speeds in front of me and we hit another read light. So I pull in front of him again because I can and of course, because I'm cool like thizzat. (Rap for "that")
And now I'm like ten cars in front of him, and I don't know how he does it, but he makes his way to right behind me and is literally 2 feet behind me. He swerves into the right lane almost clipping me, so I swerved to the left, almost crossing the yellow line into the other lanes of traffic. Then he speeds up and cuts me off! And rifles off that wretched noise and speeds away.
Moral to the story? If you don't want to be a total Douche-ski, don't have an annoying loud car.
Buy a muffler, fart face!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
8 Minutes of Wasted Life
Okay, so every time I watch a music video, I feel that that is time I will never get back. I never feel better about watching them.
Just recently I was subject to watching the music video called "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga.
Oh.
My.
Goodness.
What was the point to that?
There was no Hispanic lover boy. No Alejandro. No Fernando. No Charlie Bato. No Jorge. Not anything.
Just some random like World War II Nazi-Powderpuff-Alien-Bug-Albino people that liked to sexually assault people on mental patient/hospital beds.
This video is more than 8 minutes long, and i will never get this time back. This is very depressing here people.
What happened to the good ol' music videos? Well, I guess, has there been any good music videos?
I think that music videos are relatively pointless, except for generating revenue. All the artist has to do in a music video is just film themselves singing their song for the 43,582 time at their concert! Or just throw together a low budget "movie" that doesn't even pertain to the topic of the song.
In the 90's rap/hip-hop videos, we'd see some rich black dudes with some ho's.
Now there isn't any ho's anymore!
Where da ho's at!?
Backing away from the semi-racist comments, I miss those music videos! Because at least those guys knew what they wanted and what they wanted in a music video.
Money, boats and ho's.
Boats and ho's, boats and ho's. Gotta get me my boats and ho's.
Adieu.
Just recently I was subject to watching the music video called "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga.
Oh.
My.
Goodness.
What was the point to that?
There was no Hispanic lover boy. No Alejandro. No Fernando. No Charlie Bato. No Jorge. Not anything.
Just some random like World War II Nazi-Powderpuff-Alien-Bug-Albino people that liked to sexually assault people on mental patient/hospital beds.
This video is more than 8 minutes long, and i will never get this time back. This is very depressing here people.
What happened to the good ol' music videos? Well, I guess, has there been any good music videos?
I think that music videos are relatively pointless, except for generating revenue. All the artist has to do in a music video is just film themselves singing their song for the 43,582 time at their concert! Or just throw together a low budget "movie" that doesn't even pertain to the topic of the song.
In the 90's rap/hip-hop videos, we'd see some rich black dudes with some ho's.
Now there isn't any ho's anymore!
Where da ho's at!?
Backing away from the semi-racist comments, I miss those music videos! Because at least those guys knew what they wanted and what they wanted in a music video.
Money, boats and ho's.
Boats and ho's, boats and ho's. Gotta get me my boats and ho's.
Adieu.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Fast Food Phenomena
Why does it take so freaking long to get your food at a fast food place?
Is it really that difficult?
Be honest here. Is it?
You take the four things that are on my list, punch them into the little computer in front of you the has EVERYTHING mapped and written out for you, that the only people in the world that does not understand this simple display of buttons are babies and illiterates. After you punch them in accurately, take my money and give me my change, if any. Then, I'll do the rest. My life is seemingly more difficult than yours! And you make it worse by existing. UGH!
I'll do a replay of an everyday event someone goes through at the drive-thru:
(Pull up to speaker/way-too-big menu)
Wait 2 minutes and 17 seconds.
Static on the speaker, finally. "Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"No thank you. One second please." (1 minute and 23 seconds later) "Okay, I'm ready. I'll have the number 5 with no onions and a root beer."
(46 second pause)
"Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"What? No! I said I want a number 5."
"Oh, okay, so a number 6?"
"NO! Number 5. No onions. Root beer."
"Okay"
(14 second delay)
"Um, hello? I'm not done ordering."
"Okay, what you want?"
"A cheeseburger kids meal with a toy for a boy."
"Okay, two kids meals without pickles. Got it."
"NO!!! Number 5. No onions. Root beer. Cheeseburger kids meal. Boy's toy."
(Finally the idiot gets the order right so you pull ahead to window #1)
WINDOW #1 CLOSED. Fantastic. You're pointless anyway.
(At Window #2)
From weak-English lady, "Hi yo' total it isss 8 dollar and 23."
"Thank you??"
(Pull ahead to window #3)
"Here ya go, want any ketchup?"
"Yes, just a few."
"Here's a thousand!"
You look back at your kid and even he's shaking his head like wtf...
(If you make the mistake of not checking the bag of its contents)
Arriving home, you look in the bag seeing that they only gave you one straw and shorted you your kid's happy meal french fry and gave him a pretty pink Hello Kitty key chain.
Don't even drive back, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. Breathe. Breathe. It's not worth it. I'm above this. I'm better than this. Breathe. Just... Breathe.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get a degree, stupids!
Is it really that difficult?
Be honest here. Is it?
You take the four things that are on my list, punch them into the little computer in front of you the has EVERYTHING mapped and written out for you, that the only people in the world that does not understand this simple display of buttons are babies and illiterates. After you punch them in accurately, take my money and give me my change, if any. Then, I'll do the rest. My life is seemingly more difficult than yours! And you make it worse by existing. UGH!
I'll do a replay of an everyday event someone goes through at the drive-thru:
(Pull up to speaker/way-too-big menu)
Wait 2 minutes and 17 seconds.
Static on the speaker, finally. "Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"No thank you. One second please." (1 minute and 23 seconds later) "Okay, I'm ready. I'll have the number 5 with no onions and a root beer."
(46 second pause)
"Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"What? No! I said I want a number 5."
"Oh, okay, so a number 6?"
"NO! Number 5. No onions. Root beer."
"Okay"
(14 second delay)
"Um, hello? I'm not done ordering."
"Okay, what you want?"
"A cheeseburger kids meal with a toy for a boy."
"Okay, two kids meals without pickles. Got it."
"NO!!! Number 5. No onions. Root beer. Cheeseburger kids meal. Boy's toy."
(Finally the idiot gets the order right so you pull ahead to window #1)
WINDOW #1 CLOSED. Fantastic. You're pointless anyway.
(At Window #2)
From weak-English lady, "Hi yo' total it isss 8 dollar and 23."
"Thank you??"
(Pull ahead to window #3)
"Here ya go, want any ketchup?"
"Yes, just a few."
"Here's a thousand!"
You look back at your kid and even he's shaking his head like wtf...
(If you make the mistake of not checking the bag of its contents)
Arriving home, you look in the bag seeing that they only gave you one straw and shorted you your kid's happy meal french fry and gave him a pretty pink Hello Kitty key chain.
Don't even drive back, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. Breathe. Breathe. It's not worth it. I'm above this. I'm better than this. Breathe. Just... Breathe.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get a degree, stupids!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Hey, we're number 1!!!
No, you're not.
Okay, maybe you are. But its majorly skewed.
Why do these television production companies, namely CBS, say they have the number 1 show, number 1 comedy, number 1 drama, number 1 network?
YOU DON'T!!
The numbers say you do, but you and I know what's really going on here. I know. I can see right through you CBS.
Do you know why these numbers say that you have the number 1 everything? Because everyone who owns a TV, by default, has CBS.
Even the Eskimos up in freaky-deaky Alaska or the prisoners out in Guantanamo have this stupid network.
Any network that can have literally the same shows in different cities are complete nincompoops. Period
Example: CSI (Las Vegas), CSI: Miami!!!, CSI: New York!!!
Another Example: NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, baby!
And, AND! If your number 1 comedy is Two and a half men? Oh boy... This is sad. Charlie Sheen you are not the funniest man in America because your network gives you distorted figures.
Oh, how's about another example? You the WORST and MOST FAKE reality game show in the world titled Survivor. It wouldn't be as bad, but you have an indoor twin called Big Brother.
CBS, who are you kidding saying that these shows are different? They are not. They have the same premise, same rules, same everything. Probably filmed on the same set.
Maybe they're geniuses or just lucky. Or maybe just to give themselves false hope that people actually like their shows. When in reality their shows are watched by people escaping their terrible lives.
You SUCK.
Liars.
Okay, maybe you are. But its majorly skewed.
Why do these television production companies, namely CBS, say they have the number 1 show, number 1 comedy, number 1 drama, number 1 network?
YOU DON'T!!
The numbers say you do, but you and I know what's really going on here. I know. I can see right through you CBS.
Do you know why these numbers say that you have the number 1 everything? Because everyone who owns a TV, by default, has CBS.
Even the Eskimos up in freaky-deaky Alaska or the prisoners out in Guantanamo have this stupid network.
Any network that can have literally the same shows in different cities are complete nincompoops. Period
Example: CSI (Las Vegas), CSI: Miami!!!, CSI: New York!!!
Another Example: NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, baby!
And, AND! If your number 1 comedy is Two and a half men? Oh boy... This is sad. Charlie Sheen you are not the funniest man in America because your network gives you distorted figures.
Oh, how's about another example? You the WORST and MOST FAKE reality game show in the world titled Survivor. It wouldn't be as bad, but you have an indoor twin called Big Brother.
CBS, who are you kidding saying that these shows are different? They are not. They have the same premise, same rules, same everything. Probably filmed on the same set.
Maybe they're geniuses or just lucky. Or maybe just to give themselves false hope that people actually like their shows. When in reality their shows are watched by people escaping their terrible lives.
You SUCK.
Liars.
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Prequel to many Sequels
This is a story of a little boy that every time I see him or hear him it makes me want to pluck every hair off my body, including my nose, one-by-one or makes me want to rip out my eyes and fingers and toes and ears and any other removable part on my body.
His name:
Justin Bieber.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate you Justin!!!
Who are you!?
Why are you so famous!?!
Usher, what were you thinking!? You greedy jerk-head.
Okay, I've calmed down a little bit. Back to reality. Justin Bieber, right. What is the big deal with this kid. I don't even see the little 12 year old girl appeal to him.
First off, his sound. He sounds like a little 13 year old girl. When is the voice change gonna take place there J-Bags?
Second, what's up with the obsession with the hair. Okay, pretty sure he's not the first person to have a stupid little emo-cut. Let's calmer down now people.
Third, what are you doing acting like a little thug-nugget. Last time I checked you're a skinny little dweeb of a white guy. You don't need to be wearing saggy pants and high-tops and a flat-billed hat cocked to the side.
Fourth, why when you're on stage you're tugging on your "tinkle-dinkle" area, like you're freaking Eminem, or Marshall Mathers, or Slim Shady. What's that guy's name anyway?
Okay, there will be many more Justin Bieber blogs to come after this, so I better stop while I'm ahead on this little baby-faced, Alvin the Chipmunk sounding, makeup wearing fella.
His name:
Justin Bieber.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate you Justin!!!
Who are you!?
Why are you so famous!?!
Usher, what were you thinking!? You greedy jerk-head.
Okay, I've calmed down a little bit. Back to reality. Justin Bieber, right. What is the big deal with this kid. I don't even see the little 12 year old girl appeal to him.
First off, his sound. He sounds like a little 13 year old girl. When is the voice change gonna take place there J-Bags?
Second, what's up with the obsession with the hair. Okay, pretty sure he's not the first person to have a stupid little emo-cut. Let's calmer down now people.
Third, what are you doing acting like a little thug-nugget. Last time I checked you're a skinny little dweeb of a white guy. You don't need to be wearing saggy pants and high-tops and a flat-billed hat cocked to the side.
Fourth, why when you're on stage you're tugging on your "tinkle-dinkle" area, like you're freaking Eminem, or Marshall Mathers, or Slim Shady. What's that guy's name anyway?
Okay, there will be many more Justin Bieber blogs to come after this, so I better stop while I'm ahead on this little baby-faced, Alvin the Chipmunk sounding, makeup wearing fella.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Spoofs are for Goofs
All right, all right. This is enough!
Spoof movies, you've seen your better days, I do believe.
Its been a long time since the golden days of Hot Shots! or Spaceballs or Airplane!, or even Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
Oh the good days...
Now we're "blessed" with spoofs and parodies such as Epic Movie or Disaster Movie.
Disaster Movie, were you serious? Like 100% for real here? Its ironic your title is Disaster Movie, because that movie was literally a disaster. Just awful.
I just threw up a little bit.
The only thing worse than a bad parody, is a repeated bad parody. I.e. Scary Movie.
Scary Movie 1, you were funny. Scary Movie 2, you were all right. Scary Movie 3? Uh... Okay, on the decline. Scary Movie 4. Holy crap, what is this garbage? Now we're getting a Scary Movie 5!? Oh my gosh, kill me.
These movies wouldn't be so bad if they wouldn't get away from the main idea so much. Like in Disaster Movie (SURPRISE), what was up with the satanic Alvin and the Chipmunks thing? Pretty sure that's not an action movie, but whatever.
Mel Brooks, you had it right. David Zucker, you used to have it right. Airplane! was amazing. Scary Movie 4, not so much.
I hate you spoof movies, you stupid poopoo heads.
Spoof movies, you've seen your better days, I do believe.
Its been a long time since the golden days of Hot Shots! or Spaceballs or Airplane!, or even Robin Hood: Men in Tights.
Oh the good days...
Now we're "blessed" with spoofs and parodies such as Epic Movie or Disaster Movie.
Disaster Movie, were you serious? Like 100% for real here? Its ironic your title is Disaster Movie, because that movie was literally a disaster. Just awful.
I just threw up a little bit.
The only thing worse than a bad parody, is a repeated bad parody. I.e. Scary Movie.
Scary Movie 1, you were funny. Scary Movie 2, you were all right. Scary Movie 3? Uh... Okay, on the decline. Scary Movie 4. Holy crap, what is this garbage? Now we're getting a Scary Movie 5!? Oh my gosh, kill me.
These movies wouldn't be so bad if they wouldn't get away from the main idea so much. Like in Disaster Movie (SURPRISE), what was up with the satanic Alvin and the Chipmunks thing? Pretty sure that's not an action movie, but whatever.
Mel Brooks, you had it right. David Zucker, you used to have it right. Airplane! was amazing. Scary Movie 4, not so much.
I hate you spoof movies, you stupid poopoo heads.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
What an Annoyance
Today standing in line to get some food, I experienced the number 4 pet peeve on my, we'll say, extended list of things that I hate.
While standing in line, I hear a tune of sorts coming from a few people back.
I then turn around and see a person jamming out to a song on their cell phone.
UGH!!!
If only there were an invention that would confine all this noise into someones own ears...
Oh wait.
Headphones. Oh my gosh they invented these things to put over your ears so no one else has to hear your crappy music.
How's about you use this useful new invention and stop douching up the food line so I can focus on my own thoughts or conversations with my fellow comrades. You are the jerk that is walking around Target blasting your stupid emo-screamo death metal monkey music that .05% of America actually might enjoy that us other 99.95% hates or strongly dislikes. You are the tool that is walking through the park annoying all the cute little families with your stupid annoying gangster rap music that your cousin made because he thinks he's going to be the next Busta Rhymes or Dr. Dre.
Get outta here ya douche bag.
Sorry, this one really grinded my gears.
While standing in line, I hear a tune of sorts coming from a few people back.
I then turn around and see a person jamming out to a song on their cell phone.
UGH!!!
If only there were an invention that would confine all this noise into someones own ears...
Oh wait.
Headphones. Oh my gosh they invented these things to put over your ears so no one else has to hear your crappy music.
How's about you use this useful new invention and stop douching up the food line so I can focus on my own thoughts or conversations with my fellow comrades. You are the jerk that is walking around Target blasting your stupid emo-screamo death metal monkey music that .05% of America actually might enjoy that us other 99.95% hates or strongly dislikes. You are the tool that is walking through the park annoying all the cute little families with your stupid annoying gangster rap music that your cousin made because he thinks he's going to be the next Busta Rhymes or Dr. Dre.
Get outta here ya douche bag.
Sorry, this one really grinded my gears.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Back in the Saddle
Fresh off of my vacation, I would now like to delve into a new matter of interest.
I am sick and tired of the fact that men love bacon.
Okay, I am a man.
And I LOVE me some bacon, all right?
BUT! I am not in love with bacon, okay?
There was an absolutely disgusting commercial I saw this last week that made me sick. There was a group of girls and one of them had a new bacon taco or whatever in her purse. And that was a way she'd pick up dudes.
Um, sick.
If I found out a girl I just met is smuggling BACON tacos in her purse, I would:
A. Puke
B. Run away
C. Puke again
D. Slap myself in the face
E. All of the above
If I even as much smelled bacon wafting from my date, that would be it. Gross. I'm telling you I don't love bacon this much.
And this coming from a guy that could eat bacon every morning for the rest of his life.
You're sick and twisted ladies.
I am sick and tired of the fact that men love bacon.
Okay, I am a man.
And I LOVE me some bacon, all right?
BUT! I am not in love with bacon, okay?
There was an absolutely disgusting commercial I saw this last week that made me sick. There was a group of girls and one of them had a new bacon taco or whatever in her purse. And that was a way she'd pick up dudes.
Um, sick.
If I found out a girl I just met is smuggling BACON tacos in her purse, I would:
A. Puke
B. Run away
C. Puke again
D. Slap myself in the face
E. All of the above
If I even as much smelled bacon wafting from my date, that would be it. Gross. I'm telling you I don't love bacon this much.
And this coming from a guy that could eat bacon every morning for the rest of his life.
You're sick and twisted ladies.
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