Well I fall subject to this every time I go to the store with my wife, whether it be Macy's or Target or whatever. She always wants to buy this latest makeup product that's revolutionizing the makeup industry.
Or not.
I understand that basic need for your foundation or base or whatever and mascara, blah blah blah. It gets ridiculous when we start talking about excess things here, people. Example: a shiny golden gloss that goes over your skin after you put on your face wash and your mask that removes dirt from pores and supposedly forms your face to makes you look like Blake Lively or something.
Worse example: There is this little machine the size of a tic tac box that has a round metal circle on it that you apply to your zit or blemish of sorts. You push a button and it dings a fancy ding and leave it on there for 2 minutes or so and it supposedly removes the zit from your face somehow. I sucked up some pride and bought this little gadget for the Mrs. and oh my did I regret that. Not only did it not work, not only did she throw the packaging so we couldn't return it, not only is it shelved and hasn't been touched for months, it cost me 40 buckaroos plus tax.
Yikes.
So, in conclusion. Waste of money. Don't buy into this extra crap that's obviously a scam and stealing all the money from the men that are buying it for their womens. Spend that money elsewhere, like a charity donation. Or a big screen tv, Oooooh yeah!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Scrubway
Okay, so I am really tired of seeing Jared Fogle on my TV screen. He should not be on commercials anymore.
I don't care that he dropped 230 pounds or 26 waist sizes.
In fact, I liked him better when he was fat, or for lack of a better term, chubbsie. He looked jolly and super friendly, now he just looks like a narcissistic jerk! I hope he's donating to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig (Is that still around) or something, because he's probably making boo koo buck.
Everyone knows he didn't just eat Subway for 3 years or whatever, 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. I know that little fatty snuck in some McDonalds pies in there somewhere, or a Blizzard from DQ. Oh man, those are delicious treats. Plus those pies at Mickey D's are only like 2 for $1 or something? Fantastic deal. I also like the Hot Fudge Sundaes they offer as well, those are delicious and priced amazingly. Nothing really tops a Blizzard from DQ. Like a Snickers Blizzard or Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard? And if someone else says they love Cookie Dough Blizzards, they are crazy and I will lash out and punch a window. That cookie dough tastes like sandy little sugar balls that were the crappy part of the cookie dough, ya know? The part that was crusted over on the side of the bowl with leftover egg and some unknown crunchies. Disgusting.
ANYWAYS.
Jared is crazy, and needs to be stopped. Subway is delicious, I'll give them that. HOWEVER, Jared is done. He doesn't make me want to eat Subway anymore.
Now here's a great idea for Subway. Have Jared go on a year long fattening mission, by eating McDonalds and Burger King and Wendys and KFC etc. Like a Super Size Me 2.0.
Then, have him lose the weight again. Then, he will be like a Sandwich Superhero. Call him the Submarine Supreme. Awww yeeeeah.
Also, as shown by South Park, we all know that Jared had aids to help him lose weight.
Oh... what? He had AIDES? Oh. Okay. Right. Good for him..
I don't care that he dropped 230 pounds or 26 waist sizes.
In fact, I liked him better when he was fat, or for lack of a better term, chubbsie. He looked jolly and super friendly, now he just looks like a narcissistic jerk! I hope he's donating to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig (Is that still around) or something, because he's probably making boo koo buck.
Everyone knows he didn't just eat Subway for 3 years or whatever, 3 meals a day, 7 days a week. I know that little fatty snuck in some McDonalds pies in there somewhere, or a Blizzard from DQ. Oh man, those are delicious treats. Plus those pies at Mickey D's are only like 2 for $1 or something? Fantastic deal. I also like the Hot Fudge Sundaes they offer as well, those are delicious and priced amazingly. Nothing really tops a Blizzard from DQ. Like a Snickers Blizzard or Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard? And if someone else says they love Cookie Dough Blizzards, they are crazy and I will lash out and punch a window. That cookie dough tastes like sandy little sugar balls that were the crappy part of the cookie dough, ya know? The part that was crusted over on the side of the bowl with leftover egg and some unknown crunchies. Disgusting.
ANYWAYS.
Jared is crazy, and needs to be stopped. Subway is delicious, I'll give them that. HOWEVER, Jared is done. He doesn't make me want to eat Subway anymore.
Now here's a great idea for Subway. Have Jared go on a year long fattening mission, by eating McDonalds and Burger King and Wendys and KFC etc. Like a Super Size Me 2.0.
Then, have him lose the weight again. Then, he will be like a Sandwich Superhero. Call him the Submarine Supreme. Awww yeeeeah.
Also, as shown by South Park, we all know that Jared had aids to help him lose weight.
Oh... what? He had AIDES? Oh. Okay. Right. Good for him..
Monday, August 9, 2010
Speculate This!
Dude, I'm getting tired of sports speculation.
ITS NOT REAL NEWS.
Yes Marv, we shipped you over to Minnesota to talk to head coach Brad Childress on how he feels about his quarterback situation. Will Brett Favre be back?
WHO. CAAAAAAAAARES.
This is getting worse and worse in sports. They're ruining the surprise in everything! We don't even get to guess who the number one or two or three top draft picks are going to be because everything is already known and told to us!
And why are these "sources" so trusted??
Last time I checked your stupid sources fail quite often there, ESPN.
You said Favre was going to retire. He said otherwise.
You said Texas, Oklahoma, among other teams were all going to the PAC-10.
You said LeBron James was going to sign with the Knicks or stay with the Cavs. I think we all know what happened with that.
Why can't you let us little sport fans be and find out things that happen when they actually happen, not like forecasting the weather. This is going to turn into something like a Meteorologist predicting the weather for Christmas time when its April.
Stop speculating and doing it so much ahead of time. You're ruining it for me!
And your sources are wrong and so ignorant when doing their "investigating."
Real cool there, David Caruso.
ITS NOT REAL NEWS.
Yes Marv, we shipped you over to Minnesota to talk to head coach Brad Childress on how he feels about his quarterback situation. Will Brett Favre be back?
WHO. CAAAAAAAAARES.
This is getting worse and worse in sports. They're ruining the surprise in everything! We don't even get to guess who the number one or two or three top draft picks are going to be because everything is already known and told to us!
And why are these "sources" so trusted??
Last time I checked your stupid sources fail quite often there, ESPN.
You said Favre was going to retire. He said otherwise.
You said Texas, Oklahoma, among other teams were all going to the PAC-10.
You said LeBron James was going to sign with the Knicks or stay with the Cavs. I think we all know what happened with that.
Why can't you let us little sport fans be and find out things that happen when they actually happen, not like forecasting the weather. This is going to turn into something like a Meteorologist predicting the weather for Christmas time when its April.
Stop speculating and doing it so much ahead of time. You're ruining it for me!
And your sources are wrong and so ignorant when doing their "investigating."
Real cool there, David Caruso.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
So Predictable
Why are crime shows so predictable? Why, I would love to know.
There is no hook, that I haven't seen before, no catch, no twist, nothing.
These are the blandest shows in the world.
And they could not be any more predictable! Here, here, I'll set up a quick premise.
Beginning of the show: A criminal committing a crime, most likely murder.
Beginning of the middle of the show: They get a tiny, stupid "clue."
Middle of the show: They meet the killer, but they don't know its them yet... OOOoooh, what a twist. Also, they use some high-tech piece of technology that doesn't even exist in real life. Oh real cool using this hologram thingy that can detect if this two year old corpse had ingested cabbage and bologna to clarify that the killer was either African-American (don't get all offended peeps) or see the shape and wear on his coccyx that would declare that he's a trucker. Wow, I'm really impressed you stupid fake fakey McFakerson, who lives on Fake Street.
Yeah, that's the meat of the show. SUPER amazing. (That was sarcasm by the way)
Anyways, end of the middle: They'll somehow magically find out who the killer is a get them back for questioning and to get a confession.
End: The detectives will use "reverse psychology" to get the criminal to confess. And the killer ALWAYS confesses! This is what drives me the most crazy. "I was only trying to get their attention!" "I didn't want her to marry my dad. I had to stop her somehow!" or "He left me. He can't leave me. We're eternal."
Blah, blah, blah. Seen it all before. Why are there even different crime shows? They're all the same any way. Notice how there's just different themes, but the story is the same??
Yeah, clever.
All is supposedly well in the make believe, amazing advanced technology, super awesome we get the crime solved in an hour and get a confession at the 50 minute mark on the show detectives!
I hate you.
There is no hook, that I haven't seen before, no catch, no twist, nothing.
These are the blandest shows in the world.
And they could not be any more predictable! Here, here, I'll set up a quick premise.
Beginning of the show: A criminal committing a crime, most likely murder.
Beginning of the middle of the show: They get a tiny, stupid "clue."
Middle of the show: They meet the killer, but they don't know its them yet... OOOoooh, what a twist. Also, they use some high-tech piece of technology that doesn't even exist in real life. Oh real cool using this hologram thingy that can detect if this two year old corpse had ingested cabbage and bologna to clarify that the killer was either African-American (don't get all offended peeps) or see the shape and wear on his coccyx that would declare that he's a trucker. Wow, I'm really impressed you stupid fake fakey McFakerson, who lives on Fake Street.
Yeah, that's the meat of the show. SUPER amazing. (That was sarcasm by the way)
Anyways, end of the middle: They'll somehow magically find out who the killer is a get them back for questioning and to get a confession.
End: The detectives will use "reverse psychology" to get the criminal to confess. And the killer ALWAYS confesses! This is what drives me the most crazy. "I was only trying to get their attention!" "I didn't want her to marry my dad. I had to stop her somehow!" or "He left me. He can't leave me. We're eternal."
Blah, blah, blah. Seen it all before. Why are there even different crime shows? They're all the same any way. Notice how there's just different themes, but the story is the same??
Yeah, clever.
All is supposedly well in the make believe, amazing advanced technology, super awesome we get the crime solved in an hour and get a confession at the 50 minute mark on the show detectives!
I hate you.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Muffled Response
Why these days are D-bags so insistent on being even more lame than they already are?
I thought the whole idea of really loud, crappy sounding cars was a thing of the past? No?
That wasn't so ten years ago? We're still doing this? Really?
Fine.
Well the other day I had a little run-in with one of these fellas. Yes, he was a fella.
He was driving ahead of me in his early 90's Honda Civic, no joke, spray painted black, busted out rear window and driver-side window.
So at the stoplight, I pulled in front of him (because I was on my scooter, mind you.)
Light turns green, and I take of in front of him. Then, I hear this loud cat-getting-its-toenails-removed-by-way-of-a-jackhammer noise mixed with an elephant and T-Rex from Jurassic Park scream. It was so loud, but didn't even sound good.
This is the start of our "altercation." As Douche Bag Dane says, "It was on."
He speeds in front of me and we hit another read light. So I pull in front of him again because I can and of course, because I'm cool like thizzat. (Rap for "that")
And now I'm like ten cars in front of him, and I don't know how he does it, but he makes his way to right behind me and is literally 2 feet behind me. He swerves into the right lane almost clipping me, so I swerved to the left, almost crossing the yellow line into the other lanes of traffic. Then he speeds up and cuts me off! And rifles off that wretched noise and speeds away.
Moral to the story? If you don't want to be a total Douche-ski, don't have an annoying loud car.
Buy a muffler, fart face!
I thought the whole idea of really loud, crappy sounding cars was a thing of the past? No?
That wasn't so ten years ago? We're still doing this? Really?
Fine.
Well the other day I had a little run-in with one of these fellas. Yes, he was a fella.
He was driving ahead of me in his early 90's Honda Civic, no joke, spray painted black, busted out rear window and driver-side window.
So at the stoplight, I pulled in front of him (because I was on my scooter, mind you.)
Light turns green, and I take of in front of him. Then, I hear this loud cat-getting-its-toenails-removed-by-way-of-a-jackhammer noise mixed with an elephant and T-Rex from Jurassic Park scream. It was so loud, but didn't even sound good.
This is the start of our "altercation." As Douche Bag Dane says, "It was on."
He speeds in front of me and we hit another read light. So I pull in front of him again because I can and of course, because I'm cool like thizzat. (Rap for "that")
And now I'm like ten cars in front of him, and I don't know how he does it, but he makes his way to right behind me and is literally 2 feet behind me. He swerves into the right lane almost clipping me, so I swerved to the left, almost crossing the yellow line into the other lanes of traffic. Then he speeds up and cuts me off! And rifles off that wretched noise and speeds away.
Moral to the story? If you don't want to be a total Douche-ski, don't have an annoying loud car.
Buy a muffler, fart face!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
8 Minutes of Wasted Life
Okay, so every time I watch a music video, I feel that that is time I will never get back. I never feel better about watching them.
Just recently I was subject to watching the music video called "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga.
Oh.
My.
Goodness.
What was the point to that?
There was no Hispanic lover boy. No Alejandro. No Fernando. No Charlie Bato. No Jorge. Not anything.
Just some random like World War II Nazi-Powderpuff-Alien-Bug-Albino people that liked to sexually assault people on mental patient/hospital beds.
This video is more than 8 minutes long, and i will never get this time back. This is very depressing here people.
What happened to the good ol' music videos? Well, I guess, has there been any good music videos?
I think that music videos are relatively pointless, except for generating revenue. All the artist has to do in a music video is just film themselves singing their song for the 43,582 time at their concert! Or just throw together a low budget "movie" that doesn't even pertain to the topic of the song.
In the 90's rap/hip-hop videos, we'd see some rich black dudes with some ho's.
Now there isn't any ho's anymore!
Where da ho's at!?
Backing away from the semi-racist comments, I miss those music videos! Because at least those guys knew what they wanted and what they wanted in a music video.
Money, boats and ho's.
Boats and ho's, boats and ho's. Gotta get me my boats and ho's.
Adieu.
Just recently I was subject to watching the music video called "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga.
Oh.
My.
Goodness.
What was the point to that?
There was no Hispanic lover boy. No Alejandro. No Fernando. No Charlie Bato. No Jorge. Not anything.
Just some random like World War II Nazi-Powderpuff-Alien-Bug-Albino people that liked to sexually assault people on mental patient/hospital beds.
This video is more than 8 minutes long, and i will never get this time back. This is very depressing here people.
What happened to the good ol' music videos? Well, I guess, has there been any good music videos?
I think that music videos are relatively pointless, except for generating revenue. All the artist has to do in a music video is just film themselves singing their song for the 43,582 time at their concert! Or just throw together a low budget "movie" that doesn't even pertain to the topic of the song.
In the 90's rap/hip-hop videos, we'd see some rich black dudes with some ho's.
Now there isn't any ho's anymore!
Where da ho's at!?
Backing away from the semi-racist comments, I miss those music videos! Because at least those guys knew what they wanted and what they wanted in a music video.
Money, boats and ho's.
Boats and ho's, boats and ho's. Gotta get me my boats and ho's.
Adieu.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Fast Food Phenomena
Why does it take so freaking long to get your food at a fast food place?
Is it really that difficult?
Be honest here. Is it?
You take the four things that are on my list, punch them into the little computer in front of you the has EVERYTHING mapped and written out for you, that the only people in the world that does not understand this simple display of buttons are babies and illiterates. After you punch them in accurately, take my money and give me my change, if any. Then, I'll do the rest. My life is seemingly more difficult than yours! And you make it worse by existing. UGH!
I'll do a replay of an everyday event someone goes through at the drive-thru:
(Pull up to speaker/way-too-big menu)
Wait 2 minutes and 17 seconds.
Static on the speaker, finally. "Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"No thank you. One second please." (1 minute and 23 seconds later) "Okay, I'm ready. I'll have the number 5 with no onions and a root beer."
(46 second pause)
"Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"What? No! I said I want a number 5."
"Oh, okay, so a number 6?"
"NO! Number 5. No onions. Root beer."
"Okay"
(14 second delay)
"Um, hello? I'm not done ordering."
"Okay, what you want?"
"A cheeseburger kids meal with a toy for a boy."
"Okay, two kids meals without pickles. Got it."
"NO!!! Number 5. No onions. Root beer. Cheeseburger kids meal. Boy's toy."
(Finally the idiot gets the order right so you pull ahead to window #1)
WINDOW #1 CLOSED. Fantastic. You're pointless anyway.
(At Window #2)
From weak-English lady, "Hi yo' total it isss 8 dollar and 23."
"Thank you??"
(Pull ahead to window #3)
"Here ya go, want any ketchup?"
"Yes, just a few."
"Here's a thousand!"
You look back at your kid and even he's shaking his head like wtf...
(If you make the mistake of not checking the bag of its contents)
Arriving home, you look in the bag seeing that they only gave you one straw and shorted you your kid's happy meal french fry and gave him a pretty pink Hello Kitty key chain.
Don't even drive back, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. Breathe. Breathe. It's not worth it. I'm above this. I'm better than this. Breathe. Just... Breathe.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get a degree, stupids!
Is it really that difficult?
Be honest here. Is it?
You take the four things that are on my list, punch them into the little computer in front of you the has EVERYTHING mapped and written out for you, that the only people in the world that does not understand this simple display of buttons are babies and illiterates. After you punch them in accurately, take my money and give me my change, if any. Then, I'll do the rest. My life is seemingly more difficult than yours! And you make it worse by existing. UGH!
I'll do a replay of an everyday event someone goes through at the drive-thru:
(Pull up to speaker/way-too-big menu)
Wait 2 minutes and 17 seconds.
Static on the speaker, finally. "Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"No thank you. One second please." (1 minute and 23 seconds later) "Okay, I'm ready. I'll have the number 5 with no onions and a root beer."
(46 second pause)
"Hello? Welcome to McDonalds, would you like to try our new nasty chicken nugget milkshake surprise?"
"What? No! I said I want a number 5."
"Oh, okay, so a number 6?"
"NO! Number 5. No onions. Root beer."
"Okay"
(14 second delay)
"Um, hello? I'm not done ordering."
"Okay, what you want?"
"A cheeseburger kids meal with a toy for a boy."
"Okay, two kids meals without pickles. Got it."
"NO!!! Number 5. No onions. Root beer. Cheeseburger kids meal. Boy's toy."
(Finally the idiot gets the order right so you pull ahead to window #1)
WINDOW #1 CLOSED. Fantastic. You're pointless anyway.
(At Window #2)
From weak-English lady, "Hi yo' total it isss 8 dollar and 23."
"Thank you??"
(Pull ahead to window #3)
"Here ya go, want any ketchup?"
"Yes, just a few."
"Here's a thousand!"
You look back at your kid and even he's shaking his head like wtf...
(If you make the mistake of not checking the bag of its contents)
Arriving home, you look in the bag seeing that they only gave you one straw and shorted you your kid's happy meal french fry and gave him a pretty pink Hello Kitty key chain.
Don't even drive back, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. Breathe. Breathe. It's not worth it. I'm above this. I'm better than this. Breathe. Just... Breathe.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get a degree, stupids!
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